I hope to encourage others to tell someone and reach out for medical help. I’m no longer afraid to talk about my symptoms. It was a huge relief to know I wasn’t the only one. Once I finally did, I realized there are millions of others who experience the same frightening feelings. I honestly never thought I’d be open about my derealization and depersonalization. I feel connected to the world around me, which brings me back to the present. I hear the traffic, feel the wind blow, and watch people ride bikes and walk dogs. If I’m driving, I’ll take a few deep breaths, sing to the radio or roll a window down. For example, I’ll talk to someone or focus on an object and notice every detail about it. I rarely feel like I’m going over to that dreamlike (or nightmare) zone. And if I do, I can stop it by being mindful and engage in activities to distract myself. Thankfully, Talee has recovered from panic disorder and isn’t haunted by those strange thoughts anymore. She said she wanted to check if her brain was still working and connected to her body. She recently told me that when she was little, she used to wiggle her fingers to make sure she could control them. She couldn’t explain it any clearer than that, but I knew exactly what she meant. But sometimes when she had a panic attack, she’d say she didn’t want to talk because it didn’t sound like her voice. The last thing I wanted was for her to endure the same awful panic symptoms I’d suffered from-especially the derealization and depersonalization. My daughter Talee was 10 when she was diagnosed with panic disorder. Don’t go there. It was easy to slip to that frightening place, but it was really difficult to bring myself out of it. When the strange symptoms overpowered me, I’d tell myself, Stop it. My face felt numb, like a plastic mannequin. I was shaky and felt like I was brushing eyeshadow on someone else. But as I gazed at myself, the creepy thoughts invaded my head. I applied my blush and as fast as I could. One morning, when I was in my early 20s, I was late and had to rush to get to my job. It was as if I stepped out of myself and looked at someone I didn’t know. I’d stare at my reflection and wonder if this person looking back was really me. I’d sit on the floor in front of my full-length mirror and brush my hair. I felt removed from the world and it was a struggle to bring myself back.īy the time I was a teenager, the disorientation became more frequent. My arms didn’t feel like they belonged to me. When I walked, it didn’t feel like my legs were holding me up. The best way I can explain how it felt is that I was detached from myself, like I was living in a fog or dream and didn’t know whose body I was in. I thought that trying to describe it would make me sound “crazy.”
I didn’t mention it to anyone, not even to my doctor, because it felt so unbelievably strange. These are the feelings people don’t talk about. I’d never heard of this syndrome-never knew that these symptoms could be related to panic disorder-until years after I’d recovered. The medical terms for these thoughts are derealization (feeling withdrawn from one’s surroundings, as if the world isn't real) and depersonalization (an out-of-body experience in which a person feels separated from his own self). The scariest sensations were in my mind, when it felt like my brain was tricking me, teasing me that I didn’t exist. If I didn’t get out quickly, it felt like I might lose control of myself or maybe have a heart attack.Īs terrifying as those feelings were, the worst symptoms I’ve ever experienced weren’t the physical ones. I’d have an urgent need to leave the place where I was panicking. My vision would start to black out, and I was afraid I’d faint. I’d be short of breath and sometimes it felt like I’d choke. I had the common symptoms that most people know about: a rapid and pounding heart, lightheadedness and dizziness. I’ve had panic attacks since I was a young girl and was diagnosed with panic disorder in my early 30s. I had no idea what had just happened to me and hoped those feelings wouldn’t come back. I rushed out of the office and felt better outside. I wouldn’t have been able to describe it, and I assumed no one would understand. There was no way I was going to tell anyone, it was too weird. I hoped no one noticed that anything was wrong. It felt like the color had drained from my face and my body was numb. I sat in a daze while she gathered the papers. I was freaked out, but managed to tell the woman at the desk what my teacher needed. When I arrived there, a strange and terrifying sensation came over me, like I wasn’t sure what I was doing.Īm I really here? Is this me or someone else I’m watching? Is this real? My fourth-grade teacher asked me to go to the administration office to pick up some papers. The first time it happened, I was nine years old.
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